Honey Please!!
All right, all right. I'm not going to go into any sort of political discussion in this forum because the people who faithfully read this blog espouse all kinds of different beliefs, and I truly respect that.
But...
..ok, I've watched the conventions, and I've watched both debates and I have GOT to comment on just one thing. The conservatives within the Republican party don't seem to like the gays a whole lot. They shove them in closets and send them off to work camps and try to pray the gay away at big conventions, and they strive to create a world without gaiety, and here's what happens:
The woman who aspires to be First Lady and who wants to represent our great country to the rest of the world, shows up to the Republican convention looking like an old tranny hooker. An old AUSTRALIAN tranny hooker.
I don't want to be mean or anything, and I'm sure she's a really great person, but she looks like shit. The woman is worth over 100 million dollars and she looks like you could rent her for 25 bucks. Her hair is totally brassy and ratty, her suit is loud and garish and her once-gorgeous face is in serious need of emergency maintenance and why? Because she has absolutely no gays in her life. If that woman had a flock of good homos surrounding her they would have said "OK girl, let's beat that fluorescent fright wig into a smart bob, give it some subtle low-and-highlights, flush those P Diddy ghetto brooches down the toilet, and I don't care that you paid 300 thousand dollars for that suit - it's hateful and you need to burn it in the back yard right now."
If Cindy had gays, they would have transformed her into Grace Kelley. They would have whisked her off to the best plastic surgeon in Zurich last summer and nobody would have been the wiser. She would have shown up to the convention looking like she was 25 years old and ready to hypnotize some heads of state. People would have been throwing themselves on the ground and screaming at her fabulous radiance. Every fashion magazine on earth would be crammed up her ass.
But no - she has no gays and so she looks like the Crypt Keeper. She is totally missing out on a major public relations victory which would lead to her beloved husband winning in a landslide, and because of her stubborn refusal to assemble a gay posse, she is throwing it away.
Now let's move on to Sarah Palin. Sarah is apparently my time-twin, as it turns out we competed in Miss America Preliminary pageants in the same year - 1984. Yes, I'm 150 years old. So what? Anyhow - I was third runner-up in the Miss Rome Pageant and Sarah was first runner up in Miss Alaska. My sister India was in the top 10 in Miss Alabama for 5 years in a row so my family is way, way familiar with the pageant scene. Everything about Sarah is pageant, pageant pageant because apparently the last contact she had with gays was during her pageant years. She was workin' it very well back then with a pageant swimsuit and a floutist talent to boot because clearly some gays, who swarm around the Miss America system like honeybees, were giving her advice.
My theory is: She fell in love with one of those gays - probably the main singer/dancer in the Miss Alaska dance numbers, and when he told her no thanks, he could never board the trolley to Tuna Town, she was so filled with rage and hatred from that rejection that she swore that she would destroy all gays and wipe them from the face of the earth. She began by trying to pray the gay away in her prayer groups, and soon worked her way up to a position of power so that she could become Vice President and ship all the flamers off to Siberia so that they could be Pooty-Poot Putin's problem.
And so - here's what happened:
Ok - who wears their hair like that? In 2008? Women without gays, that's who. What is that - a beehive? The last woman I saw with that hair was Billie Fay Minshew, mother of Susan Minshew in my hometown, in 1987. If I wore my hair like that, with all that teased up crown volume and heavy bangs - at least five of my gays would rip that hairpiece off my head, bitchslap me with it and go "NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!!" Then they would sedate me, hog-tie me and take me to a salon to get rid of those home-made chunky highlights for my own good.
And you know what? I would thank them. That's how much I respect the gay community. I appreciate the fact that they won't let me wear track suits and that they jerk things out of my hand in stores and say "Absolutely not. Hideous. Put that back." because if they didn't, I'd look like Sarah Palin. People would ridicule me in blogs and think less of me.
India is horrified at Palin's missed public-relations opportunity to ensure a landslide victory as well. She said "Her look is totally pageant. All the pageant gals wear those shiny suits, with collars in 'creative' cuts..." If Sarah had gays, they would have updated her look from small town pageant girl to world leader. The suits would be serious and grown up and that hair - oh that hairrrrrrrrrr - it would be dealt with in a torrential tumult of shrieking hairdressers.
If Sarah had gays, they would never have allowed her to go out of the house like this:
I mean come on. How can she hope to make any impact on foreign policy when her outfit is clearly at war with her shoes? Gays would have stopped that. They'd be like "Honey - you need to look like a Vice President, not somebody's lush aunt at a hoe down. Let's take all the air out of that bordello up-do and Bobby - come get these shoes and take them far, far away from me before I start breaking things."
I certainly don't want to sound shallow, and I am absolutely as feminist as I can possibly be while still being southern, but let's face it. This is a culture of images. The whole presidential race is not based on issues or intelligence or anything meaningful - it's based on whether the voters like what they see on TV because voters are idiots. Cindy and Sarah are suffering from massive image deficiencies due to their lack of gays. They are suffering needlessly. If they'd let down the gates and embrace the community they wold be a lot happier and more confident and maybe Cindy wouldn't have to pop all those prescription meds. I mean, what?
Anyhow - I'm going to go to MY prayer group and pray that the conservatives let the gays in. If they did, the world would be a much prettier place.
All right, all right. I'm not going to go into any sort of political discussion in this forum because the people who faithfully read this blog espouse all kinds of different beliefs, and I truly respect that.
But...
..ok, I've watched the conventions, and I've watched both debates and I have GOT to comment on just one thing. The conservatives within the Republican party don't seem to like the gays a whole lot. They shove them in closets and send them off to work camps and try to pray the gay away at big conventions, and they strive to create a world without gaiety, and here's what happens:
I don't want to be mean or anything, and I'm sure she's a really great person, but she looks like shit. The woman is worth over 100 million dollars and she looks like you could rent her for 25 bucks. Her hair is totally brassy and ratty, her suit is loud and garish and her once-gorgeous face is in serious need of emergency maintenance and why? Because she has absolutely no gays in her life. If that woman had a flock of good homos surrounding her they would have said "OK girl, let's beat that fluorescent fright wig into a smart bob, give it some subtle low-and-highlights, flush those P Diddy ghetto brooches down the toilet, and I don't care that you paid 300 thousand dollars for that suit - it's hateful and you need to burn it in the back yard right now."
If Cindy had gays, they would have transformed her into Grace Kelley. They would have whisked her off to the best plastic surgeon in Zurich last summer and nobody would have been the wiser. She would have shown up to the convention looking like she was 25 years old and ready to hypnotize some heads of state. People would have been throwing themselves on the ground and screaming at her fabulous radiance. Every fashion magazine on earth would be crammed up her ass.
But no - she has no gays and so she looks like the Crypt Keeper. She is totally missing out on a major public relations victory which would lead to her beloved husband winning in a landslide, and because of her stubborn refusal to assemble a gay posse, she is throwing it away.
Now let's move on to Sarah Palin. Sarah is apparently my time-twin, as it turns out we competed in Miss America Preliminary pageants in the same year - 1984. Yes, I'm 150 years old. So what? Anyhow - I was third runner-up in the Miss Rome Pageant and Sarah was first runner up in Miss Alaska. My sister India was in the top 10 in Miss Alabama for 5 years in a row so my family is way, way familiar with the pageant scene. Everything about Sarah is pageant, pageant pageant because apparently the last contact she had with gays was during her pageant years. She was workin' it very well back then with a pageant swimsuit and a floutist talent to boot because clearly some gays, who swarm around the Miss America system like honeybees, were giving her advice.
My theory is: She fell in love with one of those gays - probably the main singer/dancer in the Miss Alaska dance numbers, and when he told her no thanks, he could never board the trolley to Tuna Town, she was so filled with rage and hatred from that rejection that she swore that she would destroy all gays and wipe them from the face of the earth. She began by trying to pray the gay away in her prayer groups, and soon worked her way up to a position of power so that she could become Vice President and ship all the flamers off to Siberia so that they could be Pooty-Poot Putin's problem.
And so - here's what happened:
And you know what? I would thank them. That's how much I respect the gay community. I appreciate the fact that they won't let me wear track suits and that they jerk things out of my hand in stores and say "Absolutely not. Hideous. Put that back." because if they didn't, I'd look like Sarah Palin. People would ridicule me in blogs and think less of me.
India is horrified at Palin's missed public-relations opportunity to ensure a landslide victory as well. She said "Her look is totally pageant. All the pageant gals wear those shiny suits, with collars in 'creative' cuts..." If Sarah had gays, they would have updated her look from small town pageant girl to world leader. The suits would be serious and grown up and that hair - oh that hairrrrrrrrrr - it would be dealt with in a torrential tumult of shrieking hairdressers.
If Sarah had gays, they would never have allowed her to go out of the house like this:
I mean come on. How can she hope to make any impact on foreign policy when her outfit is clearly at war with her shoes? Gays would have stopped that. They'd be like "Honey - you need to look like a Vice President, not somebody's lush aunt at a hoe down. Let's take all the air out of that bordello up-do and Bobby - come get these shoes and take them far, far away from me before I start breaking things."
I certainly don't want to sound shallow, and I am absolutely as feminist as I can possibly be while still being southern, but let's face it. This is a culture of images. The whole presidential race is not based on issues or intelligence or anything meaningful - it's based on whether the voters like what they see on TV because voters are idiots. Cindy and Sarah are suffering from massive image deficiencies due to their lack of gays. They are suffering needlessly. If they'd let down the gates and embrace the community they wold be a lot happier and more confident and maybe Cindy wouldn't have to pop all those prescription meds. I mean, what?
Anyhow - I'm going to go to MY prayer group and pray that the conservatives let the gays in. If they did, the world would be a much prettier place.
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